Looking to bring some laughter into your kids’ lives? This post is just what you need.
Here, I’ve gathered 101 witty, uplifting, and humorous quotes perfect for kids and parents alike.
Share a few to brighten someone’s day or enjoy reading through them all for a good laugh at home, school, or on the road.
Whatever the occasion, I hope these quotes bring joy and a cheerful atmosphere to you and your children.
Funny Quotes for Kids Guaranteed to Make Them Laugh
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”
– Tommy Cooper
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.”
– Jo Brand
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
– Alan Dundes
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
– Zach Galifianakis
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope
“My kids think ‘maybe’ means ‘yes’ and ‘we’ll see’ means ‘definitely.’ They’re more optimistic than me, obviously.”
– Unknown
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
– Bryan White
“My son asked me what it was like to be an adult. I handed him the bills and told him there’s a washing machine that soon needs emptying.”
– Unknown
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
– George Carlin
Short and Amusing Quotes for Kids
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”
– Chili Davis
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
– Jim Carrey
“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re normal.”
– Kid President
“I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.”
– Steven Wright
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– Charlie Chaplin
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
– George Carlin
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
– George Carlin
“No one is perfect – that’s why pencils have erasers.”
– Wolfgang Riebe
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey
“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin
“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
– Spanish Proverb
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright
Amusing Quotes for Kids About Adults and School
“When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.”
– Mark Twain
“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.”
– E.C. McKenzie
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein
“In school they told me practice makes perfect. And then they told me nobody’s perfect, so then I stopped practicing.”
– Steven Wright
“Adults are just outdated children.”
– Dr. Seuss
“Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.”
– Paula Poundstone
“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
– Bill Watterson
“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.”
– Lily Tomlin
“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ’til you get a boss.”
– Bill Gates
“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”
– Mark Twain
“We all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school.”
– Peter De Vries
“The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.”
– Dave Barry
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
– Tom Bodett
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
– Hector Berlioz
“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
– Gracie Allen
Witty Quotes for Parents and Kids on Parenting and Home Life
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
– Franklin P. Jones
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
– David Frost
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller
“The quickest way to find something you’ve lost is to ask your kid where they didn’t put it.”
– Steve Robbins
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
– Dorothy Parker
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
– Carrie Underwood
“Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them, it’s for us?”
– Alyson Hannigan
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
– Leo Burke
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
– Nora Ephron
Hilarious and Relatable Quotes About Kids to Brighten Your Day
“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn’t turn it on.’”
– Erma Bombeck
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner
“Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
– Reese Witherspoon
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
– Charles Wadsworth
“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”
– Dick Cavett
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
– Stephen Colbert
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
– Lane Olinghouse
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
– Erma Bombeck
“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.”
– Malcolm Kushner
“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
– Jack Whitehall
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
– James Baldwin
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
– Will Rogers
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Having kids reminds me of when I used to live in a frat house: everything is broken, nobody sleeps and there’s a lot of unexplained crying going on.”
– Bob Simmons
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.”
– Conan O’Brien
Looking for more laughs and inspiration? Explore these funny and motivational first day of school quotes, uplifting back-to-school quotes, and humorous graduation quotes.
