How disasters change our love lives — for better and for worse

This coverage owes its existence to a collaboration between Grist and BPR, a public radio service for western North Carolina.

Kyle and Ashley Johnson epitomize the concept of “opposites attract.” She, a mountain girl from Tennessee with a passion for “screamo” music, was taught to prepare for winter by stocking up on canned goods and keeping a rifle ready. Meanwhile, Kyle, a gentleman from South Carolina with a classic country music preference, envisioned their first date revolving around “an extended cup of tea.”  

Tying the knot in 2019, the couple found their preferences aligning over time. However, their differences had always complemented each other—until September 2024, when Hurricane Helene’s remnants threatened their home in Jonesborough, Tennessee.

Prior to this, arguments were rare between them. Suddenly, a high-stakes dilemma emerged: Should they stay put or leave?

“He was adamant about packing everything and heading up the mountain,” Ashley recounted. “And I was resolutely stating, ‘No, I’m going to stay right here in my house.’”

As the storm approached, Kyle began preparing for evacuation, assembling carriers for their dog and four cats. Having experienced hurricanes before, he felt equipped to make the call when it was time to go. Conversely, Ashley was hesitant; they had purchased their home in March 2020 just before the housing market skyrocketed, and she felt prepared for emergencies. Leaving and wrangling their pets felt instinctively wrong to her.

While tensions rose, rain lashed down heavily. The nearby Nolichucky River swelled dangerously, fueled by torrential rain cascading into western North Carolina.

Kyle pointed at the windmill across the street. “Once that goes underwater, then we’re in serious trouble,” he warned.

Hours later, it was submerged.

Alerts blared from their phones, urging all within two miles of the Nolichucky to evacuate. They observed local fire crews assisting neighbors in leaving. Yet before they could finalize their decision, floodwaters overtook the road, isolating them. They watched in horror as their neighbor’s house was claimed by the flood.

With power lines down and cars displaced, an unsettling silence enveloped their neighborhood. The only sounds were of birds and the turbulent river.

Yet Ashley remained resolute about not leaving. And Kyle was unwilling to leave her behind.

So they stayed.

Hurricanes wreak havoc not only on infrastructure but also on daily routines, fracturing families and impacting mental health significantly. These disasters can trigger crucial turning points in people’s personal relationships.

The psychological aftermath of hurricanes is profound, as statistics show that 20 to 30 percent of survivors may develop depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. This often manifests through flashbacks, nightmares, and dissociation. “Adding a catastrophic hurricane into the mix makes relationships even harder,” remarked Kelly Caniglia, a trauma therapist based in Chapel Hill who has clients affected by Helene.

“Placing two individuals who are now dealing with PTSD in an enclosed space changes their relational dynamics, influencing communication and mutual support,” she explained.

Research shows that extreme weather can severely strain relationships. Following Hurricane Hugo in 1989, for example, couples in South Carolina counties declaring a disaster experienced increased divorce rates compared to less-impacted areas. However, the data points to an intricate narrative: marriage and birth rates also experienced an uptick in those same regions following the disaster. Researchers suggest that surviving an existential crisis encourages individuals to reassess personal priorities, sometimes leading to deeper connections or, alternatively, alienation.

With climate change contributing to more potent storms and increased rainfall, more relationships may soon face similar trials. Some experts contend that a warming climate is already destabilizing marriages, resulting in rising divorce rates, with flooding and extreme temperatures acting as key stressors.

For Hurricane Helene, initial estimates indicate that climate change made rainfall approximately 10 percent heavier. While it doesn’t seem substantial, any increase in rain can lead to catastrophic consequences, as hurricanes already deliver overwhelming precipitation that local infrastructure is ill-equipped to manage—particularly in regions like Jonesborough where Kyle and Ashley reside.

Now, a year post-Helene, numerous areas in western North Carolina and East Tennessee remain in recovery. Many roads have yet to be repaired, and debris continues to clutter what were once homes. The physical scars are evident. However, the emotional toll, especially on couples, is often understated yet profoundly real.

For Kyle and Ashley, the aftermath of Helene marked the beginning of their personal storm.

Miraculously, their house remained intact amidst the floodwater. Kyle humorously claims that Ashley confronted the rising waters from their porch with her rifle, scaring it back into its banks. After several frantic days, the floods receded, revealing a thick layer of mud.

Due to damaged roads, they found themselves trapped. Their neighbors were evacuated, while they were left isolated, missing work and losing cell service. In a surprising turn, they discovered that they had been reported missing.

That’s when reality crashed down on Ashley.

“We transitioned roles,” she recalled. “Kyle started to become calmer, while I began spiraling into panic.”

“Right, ‘Oh my God, what did we just experience?’” Kyle completed her thought.

Nightmares plagued Ashley, alongside anxiety about their situation. They faced curfews and spent three days essentially stranded, roadblocks complicating their movements. Despite having food and supplies, Ashley feared potential looters and their ability to seek help. Noise from gunfire and shouting at night, which Kyle interpreted as signs of neighboring families in distress, only heightened her fear. With tensions rising, they secured their driveway with a car.

The sense of isolation was overwhelming. Just the two of them, with helicopters buzzing overhead.

Debbie Sturm, a counseling professor at James Madison University who has spoken with Helene survivors, noted that the aftermath period can be particularly challenging for couples, especially as frustrations mount due to the slow arrival of help. As days pass, they may struggle to find work or to care for children still awaiting school reopening. “Everyday nuisances can amplify existing stressors, complicating navigation,” Dr. Sturm explained.

A study from 2012 focusing on 40 low-income women who survived Hurricane Katrina highlighted how prolonged separations and joblessness can hinder emotional bonds. “I’m like, ‘You need to find a job. I remind him constantly,’” one participant shared. “It got so bad that I called off the wedding. I told him, forget it, I can do better alone.”

For couples already dealing with strain, natural disasters can serve as the breaking point.

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This was true for Sara, 40, who requested to be identified by only her first name due to ongoing divorce proceedings. Even before Helene, Sara sensed her marriage cooling. Her husband often toured with his band while she remained at home working with a regional health care group. Their time together was scarce. When Helene knocked out the power at their home, she faced the risk of her insulin pump dying. So, she packed her belongings and decided to shelter with family in Oklahoma. Yet, as she was preparing to leave, her husband appeared nonchalant, showing no intention to join her.

“Maybe he just wanted me out of the house,” she wondered, “Perhaps he was eager to see me go.”

Not feeling agitated, she left for Oklahoma, where she remained for weeks with minimal communication. When electricity was restored, she hesitated on her long drive back, contemplating her future.

“I found myself dragging my feet on the trip,” she reflected. She stopped along the route to grab burgers and take leisurely walks. Upon return, her husband left for another tour right away until Thanksgiving. Their eventual decision was to divorce.

Both fears Sara held became reality: the end of her marriage and an unprecedented disaster striking her community. Surprisingly, she notes she feels fine. Almost a year post-Helene, her divorce nears finalization, and she has relocated to Atlanta, where she is enjoying life and exploring dating.

“Without that catalyst for change, I might have remained stagnant,” she acknowledged.

Moments of clarity emerged for others as well. Alexandra Lowman, a restaurant worker and artist residing in Asheville, had separated from her spouse a month before the storm. Despite the split, they maintained daily communication, but the hurricane disrupted this when the cell towers went down during his trip. This interruption helped Alexandra gain perspectives she previously lacked.

“I didn’t have the bandwidth to question my choices,” she confessed. Amidst the chaos, she focused on aiding her neighbors and friends. “It provided me this unusual hiatus where I didn’t have to confront my future immediately.”

As she began dating again, the storm complicated her desires in a partner. Did she want someone who had experienced the storm alongside her, or to start fresh with someone untouched by that trauma? Attempting the latter, she connected with someone from Charlotte online. However, conversations faltered whenever Hurricane Helene arose, reviving difficult memories for Alexandra. Her new acquaintance struggled to understand her experiences.

“It highlighted how isolated we were in our suffering,” Alexandra stated. “Even people in our own state seemed unaware of the magnitude of destruction we faced.” After a rocky phase, she and the Charlotte individual had just decided to rekindle their relationship in August.

For many couples, hurricanes can be neither wholly detrimental nor wholly beneficial—they encapsulate both sides. A study among newlywed couples in Texas revealed that satisfaction within their relationships, which generally declines over time, experienced a surprising uplift post-Hurricane Harvey in 2017. This boost was temporary, however, as satisfaction levels returned to their original states after a few months.

This phenomenon is so prevalent that the phase immediately following a disaster has been dubbed a “honeymoon” period, subsequently followed by a phase of “disillusionment,” which can be challenging even for the strongest partnerships. “A couple might feel as though they are deteriorating; in reality, they might just be stabilizing, having learned how to rely on and support each other during hardship,” Dr. Sturm elaborated.

Relationships that withstand a traumatic event like Hurricane Helene will inevitably transform, according to Kelly Caniglia, the Chapel Hill therapist. “However, couples who persevere through such events generally emerge stronger,” she suggested. “Experiencing trauma together can fortify the repair process, enhancing the relationship significantly.”

The impact of a natural disaster on relationships can be likened to kintsugi, the Japanese technique of mending broken pottery with gold, transforming imperfections into a testament of resilience. “It showcases that it’s endured challenges and still thrives,” she said.

One could view Ashley and Kyle’s relationship through this lens.

A year after Helene, Ashley wrestles with sleep, haunted by recollections of the storm. Recently diagnosed with PTSD, she’s sought therapy, occasionally confronting her fears through exposure therapy by stepping into the rain. She still contemplates if moving closer to town might help them avoid future isolation during emergencies.

“Heavy rains take a toll,” Kyle addressed Ashley, grasping her hand. Yet, he’s unsure if moving is the right answer. “Well, sweetheart, we navigated through an apocalyptic-level flood unscathed, so I’m feeling pretty optimistic.”

Kyle perceives their home as a mark of their unity, while Ashley resonates with this idea, recalling her reluctance to leave it behind during the storm. Both recognize that future challenges—literal and metaphorical—will arise. However, Kyle is optimistic they can face any storm together, affirming their bond through the trials they’ve endured.

“People may think we’re overly dependent on each other, but we’re really quite independent,” he remarked. “We’ve navigated COVID, the flood. I just hope we’re not stuck in a trilogy with another calamity coming.”

Ashley chuckled nervously, “Let’s not talk about that. We’ll just focus on the flood. That’s enough.”