How To Show Up For Someone With Cancer

The social impact of a cancer diagnosis is profound. More than half of patients report feeling more isolated after their diagnosis, with those who live alone, people of color, and low-income individuals experiencing the most significant effects. While family ties may grow stronger, friendships and workplace connections often weaken, particularly as patients deal with physical symptoms or fear of imposing on loved ones. Many cancer patients crave a community that understands their journey, with 89% wishing for better education for those in their lives on how to provide support, including knowing what to say, how to listen, and offering practical help.

In my role as an emergency medicine physician, I often encounter cancer patients who share their post-diagnosis experiences. It seems many are battling both the disease and a sense of isolation.

To explore what effective support looks like, I consulted two experts with different perspectives. Dr. Ihuoma Njoku, a psychiatrist and medical director of psychiatric oncology at the Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center in Philadelphia, focuses on the mental health of cancer patients. Jessica Walker, founder and CEO of Five Dot Post, creates cards tailored for those facing serious health challenges like cancer. Their insights offer guidance for those unsure of how to support a loved one with cancer.

The Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing is Universal

In 2017, Walker began designing cards after her husband Tommy was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. The diagnosis was shocking, and she learned a lot about people’s reactions. “Everyone seems to struggle with the same thing I did,” she notes, “being so afraid to say the wrong thing that they say nothing at all.”

Dr. Njoku supports Walker’s observation, emphasizing that presence often matters more than words. “Being present, consistent, and honest about your capacity is most helpful,” she says. Engaging in open conversations and asking questions like, “How can I best support you right now?” is a great way to start. The aim is to convey support without feeling pressured to make everything perfect.

Skip the Toxic Positivity

One common mistake is excessive cheerleading. Phrases like “You’re a fighter” and “You’ve got this” are frequent, but Walker calls this “toxic positivity,” which is prevalent among cancer patients.

“People don’t want constant reminders that they’re warriors,” she says. “They want to hear, ‘This is difficult and unfair — and I’m proud of you regardless.’” Acknowledging the challenges while expressing love and pride is what truly resonates.

Dr. Njoku adds that patients often withdraw not because of those around them, but due to concerns about burdening others with their emotions. “If you notice someone pulling back, don’t back off. Instead, gently acknowledge their struggle and offer your support,” she advises.

Be Specific — Don’t Ask “What Do You Need?”

Asking “What do you need?” can be burdensome for patients already making numerous decisions. Walker describes the challenge of making critical medical decisions daily and then managing others’ offers to help.

“It becomes another task,” she explains. “It’s more helpful when people say, ‘I’m bringing dinner at six — do you prefer this or that?'” A specific offer alleviates the patient’s mental load.

Dr. Njoku agrees, suggesting scheduled activities like regular walks with friends to maintain connections, structure, and control. Even small, consistent commitments, such as phone calls or meal drop-offs, are more impactful than occasional grand gestures.

It’s important to ensure these activities are not surprises and to ask loved ones what they would prefer to do together.

Don’t Disappear After Treatment Ends

Support often wanes after remission. However, both patients and caregivers can face emotional turbulence post-treatment.

“That’s when you start to process emotions suppressed during the fight,” Walker explains. “Support is crucial even more then.” Five Dot Post provides cards for these moments, reminding people, “Your treatment may be over, but I’m still here for you.”

Dr. Njoku highlights that survivorship brings its own challenges, including fear of recurrence and fewer medical appointments. “Readjusting to life can be a significant transition,” she notes. Checking in during this quieter time can be among the most supportive actions you can take.

There’s Room for Humor, Too

Walker launched Five Dot Post with young cancer patients in mind, aware that young adults increasingly face cancers like breast and colon cancer. She and Tommy, diagnosed in their twenties, relied on dark humor during a difficult period. While searching for cards, she found mostly somber ones. However, humor resonates across ages and demographics.

“A solemn card may seem thoughtful, but it might not be what they need that day,” she says. “Sometimes, a reminder that they’re not alone and a moment of genuine laughter can be more powerful than many well-chosen words.”

The advice from both experts is straightforward: don’t let the fear of imperfection prevent you from being there. Be specific in your offers, allow your loved one to express their preferences, acknowledge the difficulties honestly, and continue supporting long after the initial diagnosis. Many cancer survivors continue to battle isolation.