In today’s world, attachment styles are a prevalent concept, but what does “attachment style” actually mean?
Your attachment style refers to how you developed close, long-lasting connections, starting with your parents and extending to others throughout your life.
Individuals with caregivers who were consistently reliable and responsive typically enjoy what is known as a “secure attachment.”
This secure foundation allows you to navigate relationships with the same warmth and security that you experienced during childhood.
A secure attachment style can be a tremendous asset across all life domains. When you experience secure attachment, you’re armed with a strong baseline and an extensive “emotional bank” to draw upon when faced with challenges, whether in relationships or in your career.
Essentially, you’re equipped with the resilience to recover from any obstacles that life presents in your relationships, career, or health.
But what if the gift of a secure attachment was not yours to receive?
If, like 40% of people, you find yourself with an insecure attachment style?
If you identify with having an anxious, disorganized, or avoidant attachment style, it’s crucial to recognize three significant ways these insecure patterns can undermine your success.
It’s important to note that healing and developing what is known as “earned secure attachment” is completely achievable.
#1: Insecure Attachment Makes Us Hesitant to Embrace Healthy Risks.
Being risk-averse means: “unwilling to embrace risks or wishing to evade risks whenever possible.”
Interestingly, research has indicated that it’s often the insecurely attached individuals who engage in greater risks.
Yet, this risk-taking usually pertains to unhealthy short-term strategies often dubbed “fast-life” strategies.
In essence, insecure attachment might propel us to engage in poorly calculated short-term risks, jeopardizing our long-term health and success.
Research shows that individuals with insecure attachments, raised in unpredictable environments, often adopt fast-life tactics that prioritize immediate gains while overlooking long-term advantages, leading to distorted perceptions of risk and safety.
This can significantly hinder long-term success due to misguided, poorly measured short-term risk-taking.
An insecurely attached person may avoid the healthy risks essential for positive life outcomes.
This isn’t merely about daring activities, like posing at the edge of a cliff for social media bragging rights.
Instead, it refers to healthy behaviors such as having the emotional courage to initiate new connections.
That emotional courage involves being comfortable with vulnerability and managing your emotions, which insecurely attached individuals often find challenging.
Think about the thoughtful steps necessary for executing a business strategy.
Or the readiness to invest resources testing innovative methods for customer acquisition and objectively evaluating the outcomes of those tests.
These types of constructive risks are integral to achieving success and ensuring a fulfilling life path.
If you have an insecure attachment, the internal stability and assurance required to venture into the world and take significant steps toward your goals may be lacking.
What’s the remedy?
Provide yourself with the stability and nurturing that wasn’t offered to you during infancy.
This could involve affirming that you possess the inner resources necessary to take substantial steps toward your aspirations.
“Understanding your own attachment style can be a powerful tool for personal growth and enhancing your relationships.” – Amir Levine
#2: Forming Meaningful Relationships Can Become Challenging
The power of human connections lies in the mutual trust and warmth you share.
This bond enriches your life by offering comfort and security.
However, genuine connections can only flourish if you are comfortable with intimacy.
Regrettably, those with insecure attachment styles often find intimacy uncomfortable and may perceive it as threatening.
Consequently, if you have an insecure attachment, you might struggle to trust intimacy, relationships, or people in general.
Ultimately, this may lead to sabotaging your relationships, resulting in diminished quality in all your connections.
In a professional context, this may manifest as social ostracism among peers or inability to align with your boss’s expectations, increasing the likelihood of isolation and reducing the chances for career advancement.
These factors culminate in decreased life satisfaction, as the richness of your life is closely tied to the quality of the relationships you nurture.
What’s the remedy?
Make a consistent effort to shed your protective masks and cultivate intimacy with trustworthy individuals.
Fostering a connection through sharing personal stories or engaging in light-hearted playfulness can help ease the anxiety and trauma surrounding intimacy.
In the workplace, focus on easing your anxiety and cultivate your ability to attune to the team’s goals or your boss’s objectives.
#3: Navigating Conflict Becomes Profoundly Difficult
What feelings arise when conflict emerges in your personal life or at work?
Do you tend to feel overwhelmed and stressed? Or can you remain composed, embracing the conflict with confidence?
Worse, do you inadvertently escalate conflicts?
Your conflict-handling style is significantly influenced by your attachment patterns, and here’s why…
Your attachment style shapes how your nervous system responds, often before you can even articulate your feelings.
If you experienced inconsistent nurturing from your caregiver, you quickly learned that escalating your cries for attention was necessary.
This conditioning can lead an anxious individual to react explosively in conflict situations.
Conversely, if you are avoidant, you may completely disconnect from your attachment needs, rendering you unable to remain engaged during pivotal conflicts in personal or work relationships.
The repercussions include the rapid deterioration of your relationships, as you struggle to be emotionally or physically present during conflicts.
If you’re anxious, your tendency to escalate conflicts can damage relationships and erode trust.
How can you address this?
If you’re anxiously attached, take the time to identify your triggers.
Be mindful of the physical stress in your body, and consciously take a deep breath.
Let this breath be both audible and visible; don’t be afraid of judgment.
Allow yourself a moment to calm your stress response before re-engaging in the conflict with renewed presence.
How to Ensure Your Attachment Style Doesn’t Hinder You Again
To prevent your insecure attachment patterns from holding you back in the future, it’s essential to establish reliable anchors that promote a sense of trusting connection.
Whether your attachment style is avoidant, anxious, or disorganized, remember that they exist on a spectrum, and at their core, they revolve around two main fears:
#1: The profound fear of unworthiness regarding love, connection, and happiness.
#2: A fundamental distrust of vulnerability, connection, and intimacy.
It’s important to understand that intimacy encompasses emotional and spiritual dimensions, not just the physical aspect.
Your next step should involve reflecting on a cherished memory related to positive attachment in your past.
This might include a song, a movie scene, or anything that brings you comfort when you find yourself slipping into self-sabotaging behaviors in your career or relationships.
Choose something that soothes your nervous system and makes you more receptive to connecting with others.
Ultimately, you’re the best judge of which anchors can serve as the “secure base” necessary for the nurturing you might not have received consistently.
