Lukas Gage expressed that penning his latest memoir helped him cultivate “empathy” for his younger self, despite reviving painful memories for him and his family.
A particular recollection was particularly tough for his mother, as he recounted experiences of being molested by a camp counselor during his childhood.
“It broke my heart to hear how upset she was regarding some of the experiences we went through,” Gage, 30, told Us Weekly in an exclusive interview leading up to the release of I Wrote This for Attention on Tuesday, October 14, describing the moment when he had to reveal to his mother that he was compelled to perform sexual acts in front of a counselor.
“As a mom, you always hope you haven’t let your children down. You just want them to have the best,” the Euphoria star shared with Us. “There are numerous situations that were beyond her reach, and ultimately, there’s only so much protection you can provide your kids.”
While his mother was unable to shield him from that trauma, Gage insisted she has always been an exceptional parent.
“She stepped up as both a father and a mother; she is truly incredible,” he praised. “There was nothing she could have done to prevent my experiences. The world can be a frightening place, and our capacity to protect our children has limits.”
Despite the emotional toll it took on his mother, Gage opted to be open about every aspect of his journey in the memoir, which included unsettling interactions he had with an older camp counselor.
“Suddenly, the tent door unzipped, and we froze. A shadow appeared, and as the figure moved closer, I recognized it was the counselor known for flirting with the others,” Gage recounted in his book. “The attractive Australian in his twenties projected a raw, captivating masculinity that made him seem older than he was — the very image I aspired to become.”
The White Lotus actor revealed he was fully clothed but felt as if “we might as well have been naked” due to the way the counselor “scanned us with his eyes.”
“I tried to cover myself, even though I wasn’t actually exposed, and there was nowhere to escape,” Gage recalled, explaining how he had been with another camper named Nina when the counselor “stepped into the tent and zipped the flap behind him.”
Gage recounted quickly realizing that he “wouldn’t face consequences” for being in that tent with Nina if he opted to “perform” for the counselor.
“He unzipped his pants and moved closer. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t right. It was wrong of him,” the actor reflected. “It was also wrong that I felt a bit aroused, that I felt uncomfortable, that I felt nothing at all. It was wrong that I enjoyed the thrill of something illicit.”
Gage shared that he felt “dirty” and his stomach “tightened with fear,” yet he transformed his “anxiety into a strange sense of thrill.”
He recounted how the counselor initiated self-touching while instructing him to “kiss her harder” and remove his shirt to bring their bodies closer together.
“Initially, I hesitated but began unbuttoning my shirt. In an instant, time seemed to accelerate, and the fear I felt dissipated. I started to detach from reality, as if I were observing myself from a distance like controlling a character in a video game.”
Eventually, Gage remembered the counselor emitting a “sound of relief” before he “ejaculated on my sleeping bag.”
“When I finally became aware of my surroundings, I was alone in the sleeping bag as dawn broke. What just happened?”
Upon finishing his memoir, Gage shared with Us that one of the most challenging aspects was learning to “be truthful with himself.”
He elaborated, “It’s quite simple to approach many events in your life with humor or to remain at the surface. However, diving deep and truly confronting myself allowed me to gain a better understanding of who I am.”
Gage reflected, “I felt a great deal of compassion for that younger, reckless version of myself. It was truly enlightening. I feel thankful for the opportunity to explore and understand myself more deeply.”
I Wrote This for Attention is now available at retailers everywhere.
If you or someone you care about has experienced sexual assault, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
