Trump, Tiger Woods, Melania, Pete Hegseth Cold Open

On Saturday’s “SNL,” James Austin Johnson’s portrayal of Donald Trump kicked off with a series of farcical “urgent” phone calls to Tiger Woods (played by Kenan Thompson), Melania Trump (portrayed by Chloe Fineman), and Pete Hegseth (represented by Colin Jost).

The first call was to Woods, with Trump, from the Oval Office, asking: “Tiger! It’s Donald! What’s going on, are you playing in the Masters this weekend?”

Woods replied: “No, sir. I don’t know if you remember but I flipped my car and got a DUI.”

“Oh, right. A DUI,” Trump remarked, pronouncing DUI like “dewy,” and quipped: “As in, ‘Do he drive on pills?’ Yes he do.”

Woods complimented Trump on his joke, leading Trump to suggest that Woods should have mentioned their friendship to the police, implying it might have spared him from trouble.

Woods responded, “Well, I did and they didn’t,” to which Trump replied: “If only there was something I could have done to help. Oh well, want to play some golf?”

Woods informed him, “I’m actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment,” prompting Trump to hang up and take a call from his wife, Melania.

In a comedic nod to a recent press conference in which the real Melania Trump denied any association with Jeffrey Epstein, Fineman’s Melania told Trump, “Listen, I decided I should do a big, random speech, completely out of nowhere, and say I am not Epstein victim. Is that good?”

Trump responded, “Darling, I gotta admit, this sounds a little insane. Who are you? Me?”

After speaking with Melania, Trump reached out to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to discuss the situation in Iran.

Jost’s Hegseth assured, “Well, rest assured, sir, Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night, allegedly. We’ve destroyed everything. We wet their willies, tapped their sacks, and purpled every single nurple. You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again, which is a great sign of the ceasefire. This time we’re fighting millennial cringe by letting 40 year olds join the military. Yeah, put that finger mustache to work pulling a trigger.”

Hegseth then inquired if Trump was genuinely negotiating a ceasefire.

Trump responded confidently, “Don’t worry about the negotiations, I just heard they’re going really, really bad. I sent in my secret weapon, JD Vance. After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to JD, they said, ‘Please, sir, just go back to bombing us.’”

Watch the cold open below.