Trump’s Ballroom Is Dead, And His Battleships Might Be Sunk

In the days leading up to Christmas in 2025, amidst holiday preparations, the president revealed plans to request congressional funding for a new class of battleships, predictably to be named after Donald Trump.

According to the official press release, these ships are described as follows:

The upcoming battleships will form the core of the Navy’s Golden Fleet initiative, marking a pioneering effort that combines cutting-edge deep-strike weaponry of today with groundbreaking future technologies to offer dominant firepower and strategic superiority.

Designed to surpass any foreign threat, these battleships will become the focal point of naval strength. With a size three times that of an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer, they boast enhanced firepower, expanded missile magazines, and the ability to launch both Conventional Prompt Strike hypersonic missiles and the Surface Launch Cruise Missile-Nuclear.

The Trump class will be versatile enough to perform in traditional Integrated Air and Missile Defense roles while working with a Carrier Strike Group or overseeing its own Surface Action Group for Surface and Anti-Submarine Warfare missions. It will also deliver long-range hypersonic strategic strikes and act as the command and control hub for an entire fleet.

Following this announcement, a conflict with Iran exposed the United States military’s unpreparedness for drone warfare. Although the financial impact of the war has not been officially disclosed, billions have been spent on traditional military hardware, while Iran achieved significant results using cost-effective drones.

This new fleet has been critiqued as another of Trump’s self-promotional ventures, which might have secured funding if not for his actions that angered Senate Republicans, risking their majority through alleged corruption and efforts to remove three of their members.

As the situation becomes more challenging for Trump, Republicans in both the House and Senate, concerned about their political futures, are considering withholding support for funding the Trump class ships.