We are far more likely to find love with someone we already know
Thomas Hoepker/Magnum
Bonded by Evolution
Paul Eastwick, Cornerstone Press
Psychologist Paul Eastwick shares a personal story of unrequited love that led him to challenge the prevailing theory of relationships in his new book Bonded by Evolution: What we’ve got wrong about love and connection. Eastwick debunks the idea of mate value as a rigid hierarchy and instead emphasizes the importance of compatibility in determining who we ultimately love.
Eastwick’s research shows that our first impressions of attractiveness quickly fade once we get to know someone in real life. This challenges the notion that mate value is fixed and highlights the role of compatibility in forming lasting relationships.
Justin Garcia, in his book The Intimate Animal, also acknowledges the limitations of relying on first impressions when assessing someone’s date-ability. Both Eastwick and Garcia emphasize the importance of self-expansion and growth in close relationships.
These insights have implications for those seeking love, suggesting that compatibility and multiple interactions are key factors in finding a suitable partner. Eastwick recommends giving people at least three chances before making a judgment and engaging in a variety of activities to gauge compatibility.
Ultimately, both Eastwick and Garcia advocate for building connections with people we already know, as we are more likely to find love with familiar individuals. By nurturing friendships and remaining open-minded, we increase our chances of forming meaningful relationships based on compatibility rather than superficial judgments.
David Robson is the author of The Laws of Connection: 13 social strategies that will transform your life
Three other great books on relationships
Find Love: How to navigate modern love and discover the right partner for you by Paul C. Brunson
Paul C. Brunson’s book delves into the changing landscape of modern love and offers insights into finding the right partner in the digital age.
The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the best marriages work by Eli J. Finkel
Eli J. Finkel explores the dynamics of successful marriages and provides evidence-based advice on improving communication and fostering growth in long-term relationships.
Single at Heart: The power, freedom, and heart-filling joy of single life by Bella DePaolo
Bella DePaolo challenges societal norms around coupling and celebrates the joys of single life, offering a refreshing perspective on relationships and happiness.
