Christmas is a time of joy and peace, but it can also be stressful with all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning that needs to be done. To lighten the holiday mood and relieve some of the stress, here are 101 funny Christmas quotes to enjoy with your friends, family, and significant other.
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” – Stephen Graham Jones
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.'” – Bernard Manning
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Matt Bellassai
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
“Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year… Okay, most of the time… Once in a while… Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.” – Dave Chappelle
“Christmas is really for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.” – Melanie White
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. Except my bank account.” – Carrie Fisher
“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Jim Gaffigan
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. And then immediately apologizing to everyone around you.” – Bill Murray
For your boyfriend or girlfriend:
“All I want for Christmas is you… to gain weight with me.” – Mindy Kaling
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
“The best present on Christmas is spending time with the one you love while wearing matching ugly sweaters.” – Tina Fey
“I love you more than Santa loves cookies, and that’s saying something.” – Jennifer Weiner
“If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.” – Christina Lauren
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” – Rainbow Rowell
“You put the ‘merry’ in my Christmas, and the ‘happy’ in my holidays.” – David Sedaris
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
“Relationships are like Christmas lights: they look like a tangled mess when stored away, half of them don’t work, and finding the one that does is worth the effort.” – Taylor Jenkins Reid
“Let’s cuddle and watch Christmas movies until we forget what day it is.” – Jenny Han
“My idea of Christmas is having you under the mistletoe at every chance I get.” – Nicholas Sparks
There are also funny Christmas quotes for Instagram and Christmas cards:
“Dear Santa, define ‘good.'” – Sarah Morgan
“All I want for Christmas is a six-month vacation… twice a year.” – Lucy Score
“It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!” – Catherine Ryan Hyde
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Emma Chase
“Christmas calories don’t count. That’s why Santa is fat.” – Debbie Macomber
“Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.” – Unknown
“Deck the halls with lots of selfies, fa la la la la, la la la la!” – Rainbow Rowell
“May your Christmas be filled with laughter, love, and leftover pie for breakfast.” – Jenny Holiday
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Dave Barry
And funny Christmas quotes for friends:
“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair.” – Helen Fielding
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
“A friend is like a Christmas miracle: rare, wonderful, and best enjoyed with cookies.” – Jojo Moyes
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Marian Keyes
“My friend’s idea of being festive is wearing a red sweater instead of black.” – Colleen Hoover
“Christmas is a time to appreciate the original friend request – the one Mary got from the angel.” – Beth O’Leary
“A true friend helps you wrap presents, a best friend helps you wrap the ones for their own gift.” – Christina Lauren
“The phrase ‘Merry Christmas’ has 86,400 interpretations among friends. Yours is probably the weirdest.” – Taylor Jenkins Reid
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” – Matt Groening
“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.” – Milton Berle
These funny Christmas quotes are perfect for adding a touch of humor to your holiday celebrations with loved ones. Whether you use them in cards, on social media, or in conversations, they are sure to bring a smile to everyone’s face during this festive season.
