After writer Mariah Maddox gave birth four years ago, she was surprised by how lonely she felt. She was the first person among her close friends to have a kid, and her friends without children seemed to be leaving her behind. “I sometimes felt like I wasn’t included in plans,” she says.
It can be tough to maintain adult friendships after kids come into the picture. If you’re a parent, you might assume your child-free buds aren’t interested in your new life. If you’re not, you might assume your parent friends are too tired or busy to hang out.
If you want to keep your relationships intact, regardless of where you fall on the kid divide, lean into communication and compassion, says culture writer Anne Helen Petersen. While she is not a parent, she maintains close friendships with many who are.
“We are not meant to only be friends with people exactly like us,” she says. “It doesn’t make us more interesting or curious. We need people who are living life differently.”
Maddox says her social circle has changed since giving birth. But the child-free friends she has now are especially important to her. “They remind me of who I was, who I am outside of being a mom,” she says. “It creates a balance.”
Here are four common reasons why it’s challenging for some parents and non-parents to stay friends — and how to address them so your relationships grow even stronger.
Reason No. 1: We assume our friends don’t want to hang out
After having kids, social gatherings may look different than they used to, and that’s perfectly fine. The main goal is to spend quality time with each other. For those without children who want to hang out with parents and their kids, it’s important to be flexible. Parents may not always be able to leave their children at a moment’s notice, so consider activities that can be done together with kids, such as doing chores or running errands.
“You both need to [do] the laundry, go to the bank, go to Target,” suggests Petersen. To make these activities more enjoyable, you can stop for a sweet treat or listen to Top 40 radio. Parents can also invite their child-free friends to join them in their family’s daily routine. For example, instead of going out to dinner, consider inviting a friend over and going for a walk around the neighborhood with the child in a stroller.
While not every outing needs to include children, planning adult-only events may require some advance coordination for parents to arrange child care. Some parents, like Kellough, prioritize child-free hangouts by scheduling “parent time off” (PTO) once a week to spend quality time with friends without kids.
Reason No. 4: We avoid difficult conversations
If you feel neglected or unsupported by a friend in a different life stage, it’s important to address the issue directly. Having these conversations can actually strengthen your relationship, according to Maddox. For instance, if you discover that your friends with kids have a separate group chat that excludes you, like Petersen experienced, it’s best to bring it up with them. This can lead to a productive discussion that addresses any feelings of exclusion and helps foster the connection you desire.
On the other hand, having these tough conversations may reveal that you and a friend are drifting apart. It’s okay to acknowledge that people change over time, and friendships may evolve or fade. Let the relationship take its natural course, and perhaps life will bring you back together in the future.
The podcast episode was produced by Sam Yellowhorse Kesler. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. For feedback or questions, you can leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email LifeKit@npr.org. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for the newsletter. Follow NPR Life Kit on Instagram @nprlifekit. original sentence:
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