Every week, The Post will bring you our picks of the best one-liners and stories from the satirical site the Babylon Bee to take the edge off Hump Day. Want more of a chuckle? Be sure to click the links.
RFK Jr. Unveils New School Lunches That Are Just a 24-Ounce Ribeye and a White Claw
According to reports from staffers close to Kennedy, the new lunches were an attempt to set the diets of millions of schoolchildren across the United States right. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently unveiled a controversial new school lunch program that consists of a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw alcoholic beverage. This bold move has sparked both outrage and applause from parents and educators alike. The aim of the program is to provide students with a high-protein, low-carb meal that promotes overall health and wellness. Critics argue that serving alcohol to minors is inappropriate, while supporters praise the initiative for promoting a more balanced diet for children. Only time will tell if this new lunch menu will catch on in schools nationwide.
Average IQ in Congress Expected to Rise 7000 Points After MTG Resigns
Though the new average will be in the low 40s, the score will be substantially higher than the current mark of -6,940. In a surprising turn of events, the average IQ in Congress is expected to rise by a staggering 7000 points following the resignation of controversial Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. Known for her inflammatory remarks and conspiracy theories, Greene’s departure has been met with mixed reactions from her colleagues. While some celebrate the increase in average intelligence, others lament the loss of entertainment value in Congress. Regardless, the future of the legislative branch looks brighter with this sudden boost in cognitive abilities.
Chicago Kicks Off Holiday Season by Unveiling Festive Red and Green Crime Scene Tape
Local gang members likewise expressed warm and fuzzy feelings with each violent crime they commit. The holiday season in Chicago got off to a unique start this year with the unveiling of festive red and green crime scene tape. City officials hope that this colorful addition to crime scenes will bring a sense of cheer and unity to the community. While some residents are skeptical of the initiative, others see it as a creative way to spread holiday spirit in a city known for its high crime rates. As the tape goes up around the city, Chicagoans are reminded to stay safe and vigilant during the festive season.
Trump to the Rescue: Trump Travels Back in Time to Kill More Dinosaurs to Meet Our Fossil Fuel Needs
Trump says his plan, inspired by famous native American Turok, is to go back somewhere between 6 thousand and 240 million years ago to the time of the dinosaurs and just start killing as many as he can. In a bold and controversial move, former President Donald Trump has announced his intention to travel back in time to kill more dinosaurs in order to meet our fossil fuel needs. Drawing inspiration from the famous Native American Turok, Trump plans to eradicate as many prehistoric creatures as possible to ensure a steady supply of oil and gas for the future. While environmentalists are up in arms over the plan, supporters argue that it is a necessary step to secure America’s energy independence. Only time will tell if Trump’s time-traveling mission will succeed or if it will have unintended consequences on the timeline.
