Hayden Panettiere recounts the first instance of physical violence involving her ex-boyfriend Brian Hickerson in her debut memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning.
In the book, released on Tuesday, May 19, Panettiere, 36, describes, “I hear it before I feel it, the unmistakable sound of an open-hand slap. There’s the burning on my cheek, like I’m on fire. There’s ringing in my head.”
Before this incident, Panettiere recalls Hickerson yelling in her face. She describes his anger as “like I’ve never seen before.” In a moment of fear, Panettiere picked up a nearby pairing knife but discarded it before he struck her.
She reflects, “None of it happened, at least for me. If I think about it, it’s real. But it wasn’t real. I can play tough and will it away and it’s gone. Buck it up, then wipe it off the whiteboard and delete it from the tapes. I love this man and this wasn’t him. It couldn’t have been him, not in a million years.”
After that initial incident, Panettiere shares that “the slaps become hits.”
She recounts, “One night he busts up my face so badly I don’t leave the house for weeks. Another day he screams at me to run as far as I can in five seconds because I’ll need a head start before he throws the remote control at me.” She noted, “This is a man who doesn’t miss, I think. And he doesn’t.”
Panettiere and Hickerson began their relationship in 2018. In 2019, Hickerson was arrested following an alleged domestic violence incident against Panettiere. He was charged with felony domestic violence and ordered to stay away from her, although these charges were later dropped.
Hickerson was arrested again in 2020 after another domestic violence incident involving Panettiere. He served 33 days in prison, was placed on probation for four years, and fined $500.
Panettiere expressed that her friends and family worried about her safety during her time with Hickerson.
She wrote, “What I never told them was that the abuse I’d endured didn’t feel as bad as the thought of being alone.”
Before the book’s release, Hickerson told TMZ that he and Panettiere now have “a mutual respect thing.” He described them as “just good buddies,” and praised This Is Me as an “incredible” read. However, he revealed he requested Panettiere omit one story about him from the book.
Hickerson recalled, “There’s a story where I was drunk. Hayden was standing across and I had a phone in my hand and I said, ‘I’ll give you 10 seconds to run as fast as you can before I throw it at you.’”
Panettiere discussed her relationship with Hickerson in a Us Weekly cover story earlier this month.
She said, “It was brutal. It was traumatic. It was emotional. It was important for me to word that experience properly. I needed to believe that it happened for a reason.”
Panettiere added, “For something so horrible to happen, the only thing that I could think of to make it all worth it, was [to] let people know that they’re not alone and help people.”
This Is Me is out now.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support.
