“Ghostlighting” is when someone you are dating suddenly disappears with no warning and then reappears a while later with no apology or explanation, acting as if nothing happened. (Photo: Getty)
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The term “ghostlighting” describes a combination of two unsettling dating patterns: ghosting and gaslighting. You might have come across or even experienced such behavior, but understanding the reasons behind it and the psychology involved can be perplexing.
What Is Ghostlighting
In my piece for “A Funny Bone to Pick” for Psychology Today, I explored the challenges of ghostlighting. In ghosting, a person you’re dating vanishes without explanation, leaving you confused about what happened. In contrast, ghostlighting involves the person re-emerging after some time, initiating a phase of gaslighting. Gaslighting involves making misleading statements that cause you to question your reality or sanity. When combined with ghosting, these deceptive statements are designed to avoid apologies or explanations while acting as if nothing occurred, even blaming you for not trying hard enough to stay in touch.
Relationship expert and podcaster Sarah Hensley, PhD, known as “The Love Doc” and “The Dating Decoder,” shared more examples of such gaslighting tactics. Statements like “I don’t see why this is a big deal,” “I was just so busy,” or “You shouldn’t be that upset about it” are manipulative ways to rewrite the narrative. Such actions can leave you bewildered and questioning what just happened.
How Common Is Ghostlighting
How prevalent is ghostlighting? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention don’t track this behavior, and there’s no definitive test for it. People are unlikely to admit to ghostlighting others, so we rely on indirect evidence and anecdotal reports.
According to Hensley, ghostlighting is quite common. She notes a noticeable surge in dismissive-avoidant attachment, a trait often linked to this behavior, as a contributing factor. Many of her clients returning to the dating scene after a breakup encounter individuals who exhibit this behavior.
When asked about the increase in ghostlighting, Hensley cited dating apps as a partial cause. She explained that shorter attention spans in dating relationships are leading people to seek novelty. They might abandon a connection, seek out something new, and then return to the previous connection. While dating apps have changed dating dynamics significantly, other factors, including the rise of dismissive-avoidant attachment, also play a role.
What Are The Reasons Behind Ghostlighting
Ghostlighters can have dismissive-avoidant attachment, where according to Sarah Hensely, PhD, “They avoid their own emotions as well as the emotions of other people so that they tend to dismiss other people’s emotions.” (Photo: Getty)
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Hensley highlighted dismissive-avoidant attachment as a key factor in ghostlighting. This romantic attachment style involves avoiding both personal emotions and those of others, leading to dismissal of others’ feelings. Psychological studies indicate that early caregiver relationships influence adult intimacy patterns. Parents focused on achievement over emotional well-being may lead their children to suppress emotions.
Hensley noted that individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment often view intimacy and vulnerability as unsafe, leading to a hyper-independent demeanor. They might excel in initial dating stages but withdraw as connections deepen.
Despite their emotional distance, these individuals can initially seem appealing due to career success or physical fitness, often being workaholics or hobby enthusiasts. Their busy schedules serve as excuses to avoid deeper connections, using commitments like work or gym routines to distance themselves from relationships.
Not all individuals with emotionally distant parents develop dismissive-avoidant attachment, nor do all with this attachment style engage in ghostlighting. Some may ghostlight simply because they don’t value the other person and assume they’ll remain available as a fallback.
How Should You Handle Ghostlighting
Regardless of the reason, Hensley advises setting firm boundaries with ghostlighters. If you’re in the dating phase and exclusivity isn’t established, walking away is often the best course of action, as it indicates potential inconsistency or emotional unavailability. When asked if ghostlighting could be justified, Hensley stated that 99% of the time, it’s a significant red flag warranting ending the relationship, except in cases where communication is genuinely impossible due to circumstances like an accident.
In essence, ghostlighting is far from a positive situation. When it occurs, the relationship is unlikely to thrive healthily.
